I have been more aware recently of how fleeting these moments are. I look at Isabelle and her smile lights up my world! But I keep realizing that in moments it will be gone. In moments she’ll be crawling. In moments she’ll be two and ornery. In moments she’ll be four and a whirlwind. In moments she’ll be six going on 16. And beyond that….in moments she’ll be out living the life God has for her. Gone. Why is it only with my fourth that these things are actually occurring to me ahead of time? Maybe because I have the others ahead of her to see where she is headed. It makes each moment so much more precious.

This year is the year of becoming a better mom. That is what I want to focus on in my reading and in my habits. I have been overwhelmingly blessed with the gift of part time house help, so I feel I have freedom to focus on something other than survival. I am going to read Hands Free Mama, and reread Shepherding a Child’s Heart. I am going to consciously sit down and read with my kids. Play games with them. Spend time musing over ways to love them better.

Last year was hard. I was borderline depressed and anxious and felt overwhelmed with life multiple days of the week. It was hard on me, but it was even more hard on my husband and kids. God graciously broke me and robbed me of my ability to function without him. I needed him. Oh, how desperate I was for him! Without him I was a yelling, wild eyed, crazy bitch. Seriously. But in brokenness and need he was there. He was always there when I came in tears. First tears of anguish, then tears of repentance. Then hope.

And I carry that hope into this year. I still mess up a lot. But I am so much more aware of my selfishness and pride. I see it so much faster. And by God’s grace I turn from that downward spiral so much faster as well.

I’m excited about 2015. I feel a desperate need for it to be guided by Christ. I am so quick to fill my days with the “comfort food” of my selfish ambitions. Sewing, Netflix, Facebook. None of those are bad things, but I want to be focused on what God has for me this year and not get distracted by doing the easy thing. I’m sure I will have plenty of time for those as well. But first things first. Let’s focus on the kids. Gosh, I love em!! Help me to love them more.